A friend of mine recently posted a Thomas Edison quote that resonated within me.
“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”
To me, giving up equals failure. I realize that is being harsh on myself because sometimes, you do just have to give up. However, when it comes to my marriage I WANT to succeed. I WANT it to be lasting and wonderful at the same time. Over the past few days, my husband and I have discussed a multitude of options/thoughts/feelings. We realize we have grown apart, but neither of us wants to let go of the other. We love each other. We love each other enough to try. Yes, it’s been said hundreds of times before. Yes, it could go right back to shouting matches and hurt feelings. Some things will have to change. One of those things is me.
I hate admitting that I have not been giving it my all. Alas, I am not perfect. I can sit there and argue all day that I’ve been doing MY part and he’s the problem, lacking in all departments. It’s easier to see what someone else should be doing than to concede my own faults. My biggest flaw: I NEVER LET SHIT GO. Seriously. I have to stop this. Forgive the past, start fresh. Stop punishing him (and myself) with all the things that’ve hurt me. I constantly bring them up in fights. I dwell on them in my own mind. It does nobody any good. I’ve promised myself to cease this. To think of a positive when the negative leaks in.
I also believe I’m battling some depression. I have quite a few symptoms of it, unfortunately. I don’t want to own up this either. It makes me feel I’m defective and haven’t tried hard enough to NOT be. Ridiculous, I know. It’s not my fault. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s become my normal and I know now that it’s not right. I shouldn’t be constantly irritable, short-tempered, exhausted, and suffer from headaches more than 3x/week. I should want to do the things I’ve always enjoyed, but now… the idea is tiring and holds no desire for me. I’m sure I should talk to a professional about these things, but I can’t bring myself to it yet.
For now, I will be focusing on more positive thoughts/actions. I will force myself to DO the things I’ve pushed aside. I will make the changes in myself. For me. For my husband. For my children. We all deserve it.