Onward


A friend of mine recently posted a Thomas Edison quote that resonated within me.

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.”

To me, giving up equals failure. I realize that is being harsh on myself because sometimes, you do just have to give up. However, when it comes to my marriage I WANT to succeed. I WANT it to be lasting and wonderful at the same time. Over the past few days, my husband and I have discussed a multitude of options/thoughts/feelings. We realize we have grown apart, but neither of us wants to let go of the other. We love each other. We love each other enough to try. Yes, it’s been said hundreds of times before. Yes, it could go right back to shouting matches and hurt feelings. Some things will have to change. One of those things is me.

I hate admitting that I have not been giving it my all. Alas, I am not perfect. I can sit there and argue all day that I’ve been doing MY part and he’s the problem, lacking in all departments. It’s easier to see what someone else should be doing than to concede my own faults. My biggest flaw: I NEVER LET SHIT GO. Seriously. I have to stop this. Forgive the past, start fresh. Stop punishing him (and myself) with all the things that’ve hurt me. I constantly bring them up in fights. I dwell on them in my own mind. It does nobody any good. I’ve promised myself to cease this. To think of a positive when the negative leaks in.

I also believe I’m battling some depression. I have quite a few symptoms of it, unfortunately. I don’t want to own up this either. It makes me feel I’m defective and haven’t tried hard enough to NOT be. Ridiculous, I know. It’s not my fault. It’s nobody’s fault. It’s become my normal and I know now that it’s not right. I shouldn’t be constantly irritable, short-tempered, exhausted, and suffer from headaches more than 3x/week. I should want to do the things I’ve always enjoyed, but now… the idea is tiring and holds no desire for me. I’m sure I should talk to a professional about these things, but I can’t bring myself to it yet.

For now, I will be focusing on more positive thoughts/actions. I will force myself to DO the things I’ve pushed aside. I will make the changes in myself. For me. For my husband. For my children. We all deserve it.

Is This It?


I’ve been having a few tough weeks. Who doesn’t right? Everyone has shitty days/weeks/years/etc. Although, today hit me personally rough.

The plan: Drop the kiddies off with Grandma at the store, enjoy a kid-free night, get them tomorrow.

What happened: Both kids screamed and cried for 10 minutes about not wanting to go to Grandma’s. 2 failed attempts at getting them in Grandma’s van, until we all gave up and I took them back home. Frustrated. Even more frustrated once the girl started crying/screaming that I need to turn around because she wants Grandma. I was ready to cry myself. For her, for me, for my lost night. I was initially mad they both whined themself out of something that’s normally NOT an issue. But I’m not mad at them. Just irritated by it all.

Jump to later: Folding laundry, pouting to myself, when I think, “Is this it?” Am I destined to do the same damn thing every damn day? Wake up, coffee, kids up, breakfast, dishes, dress, school drop-off, laundry, housecleaning, school pick-up, lunch, nap, finish housecleaning/laundry, kids wake….blah blah blah. Husband gets home, eats, leaves dirty dishes for me, says good night to kids, I put kids to bed, sit in separate rooms until bed. REPEAT. REPEAT. REPEAT. DIE.

NO. NO. NO.

I don’t want to see the world or do crazy adventures. I want what the fuck I signed up for. Marriage, partner, love, trust, respect, loyalty, equality. I didn’t sign up to be a maid, cook, DOORMAT. I want honest to god true love. Who doesn’t? I thought I had it. Or damn close to it.

Here’s a tip, you marry a woman who loves YOUR kids like her own, who washes AND puts away your fucking clothes, picks up after you, takes care of all your errands/finances, gets you out of debt, does almost anything you ask, AND gives BJ’s – YOU BETTER FUCKING TREAT HER LIKE A GODDESS.

Or someone else will.

My Joy

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Today was productive, mostly, for me. Dishes, laundry, grocery store, meals, and even kids’ baths. PLUS I started wrapping Christmas gifts. I was like fucking SuperMom today. And now I’m enjoying SuperMom’s treat of beer. I deserve it. If for nothing other than getting Christmas stuff ready. I have to – we’ll have my stepsons this year (woohoo!) and I am NOT wrapping 5 kids’ gifts 2 nights before Christmas.

Highlight of my night: My 2 yr old son at bath time. This kid has a huge personality and it gets bigger every day. So, I’m getting him undressed while trying to go around the toy smurf he’s holding. He’s not letting go of the thing and I have to wait as he meticulously switches from hand to hand to remove his shirt. After it’s all said and done, he’s ready to get in the bath. As I reach to pick him up, he shoves the toy smurf in my face. “Here!” I take it and before I could reach out again he looks down, rubs his belly, then throws his hands in the air and shouts with joy, “I’m NAKED!”

How do you not laugh at that?

My kids can be horribly frustrating and make me want to rip out my own hair daily. They push me to my limits and raise my blood pressure so high I think I’m going to pass out. Then one simple act like this makes it all better for me. Makes my life all better. My worries go away and I live in the moment with them.

They are my joy.

Hate is a 4 Letter Word

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I am not an optimist.

I can feel your shock at this admission. I am still hopeful at times, but definitely more of a realist/pessimist. I assume the worst will happen because it usually does. I’m not being depressive when I say this – it’s the truth. When the worst does NOT happen – I’m pleasantly surprised.

I wish I could see the world through rose colored glasses. I want to think people will surprise you and are actually decent human beings underneath it all. I want to think my situations will get better with time all on it’s own.

Just because things change, does not always mean for the better. It’s just different. I think if a person is and always was a shit head, they’re probably going to be one for the rest of their life. Outwardly, we can all change. Inwardly, we’re probably pretty close to what others saw in the first place. People can change bad habits, but I’m not so sure they can change who they are. Oh, you cheated on your spouse? Of course you can stop screwing around, but can you change that selfishness and lack of consideration? Maybe for small amounts of time, but you are who you are. If you don’t give a shit, chances are you’re still not going to.

There are 2 people I hate in this world. Really do hate. I don’t like that word and have tried not to use it, but deep down I feel it. I believe their actions are purely self-motivated at all times. I can’t tolerate that. They do not care who they hurt/use while striving to get their way. They both play the part of victim when they do not. They lie and manipulate at all times. The people around them are blinded by their fakeness and think they are decent people. I wish I could be so naive. I wish I could say, “Oh you abandoned your child when they were 2? Oh you’re such a wonderful mom to want to reconnect now!” NO. I think you’re a self indulging bitch who’s trying to make your child feel guilty over not having a relationship.

I have a hard time forgiving people and an even harder time forgetting. Yes, I know that can make ME the bitch, too. I’m working on it. There are some things, though, that are unforgivable. Don’t try to tell me there is.

Hatred is all consuming, unfortunately. It makes me angry, anxious, and depressed. I feel there should be more justice for those who’ve been grieviously wronged and more punishment for those who’ve caused it. The world doesn’t work that way. I can only change me. I can change how I view people. I will not hate these people any less, but I can ignore them. I can blow off the things I usually dwell on until I’m sick. I can try. For me. I have realized I am the one who has burdened ME. My heart and soul are too heavy with it all. It’s up to me to lighten the load.

Hell If I Know

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I have opened this window dozens of time with the intent of writing something. Anything. Not happening, apparently. It’s not for my lack of things to write about. I’m just not sure where to begin.

“At the beginning.” would seem like the logical answer, smartass. It’s more complicated than that. I’m a little more complicated than that.

My summers are, ultimately, one giant emotional roller coaster. I LOVE spending the time with my stepsons, but it’s never only a simple enjoyment for me. Not because of them – they’re great. Summers cause me great anxiety, frustration, and sadness. It’s a relief when they’re over. I’m never so thankful as when the day comes that I get to start hiding in my house once again….using the weather as an excuse as to why I don’t do as much.

Quick summary of the past 2 months: I really did get to do a lot of fun things with either just the boys or all 5 kids at once. We went to an amusement park and did the roller coaster thing. We went mini golfing. We took them to the local race track, which they loved. I had never seen a skid plate race before – interesting. My in-laws took the boys to Niagara Falls, so they will always have that memory of their first time there. (I have yet to be there, actually.) We threw the boys’ annual birthday party and had a silly string fight. We don’t get to see them on their actual birthdays, so we always do something before they go home from our side of the family. Plus, it never hurts to have an extra excuse to BBQ and drink with the family. We did a LOT more little stuff that’s probably more important to me than them.

There were bad parts of summer too…but really, does it matter?

Word Nerd

WORDS

I love words. Big, small, hard to pronounce, hard to spell, and anything in between type words. They interest me in all ways. Plus, it doesn’t hurt to know them when I’m trying to kick ass at Scrabble.

However, the English language is pretty disappointing to me sometimes. I feel as we’ve limited ourselves to having multiple words for a single thing/emotion, without ever developing a new one just for THAT. Some things are indescribable. How can we create words like “crunk” or “twerk” but not a word for how I feel when I’m extremely upset and down without reason? Don’t say depression – that would imply it happens often or has happened over a period of time. It doesn’t/hasn’t. Sometimes it just IS.

Throughout the shades of feelings stemming from a single emotion – love, I’m extremely saddened that we don’t have more in between words. It just goes from “like” to “love”. Or “horny”, “like”, “love” in a lot of cases. We can feel “longing” or “amorous” and “miss” our loved ones. We can “fall” into love, but what is that really?

I wish I had better ways to describe myself to others or have a better answer when someone asks about how I feel.

So, here are 6 words I read about in Reader’s Digest that I’d like to share because I find them perfectly fascinating and want to incorporate them into my life. They have no English equivalent.

Mamihlapinatapai (mah-mih-lah-pee-nah-tah-pay) n. – A look between two people in love that expresses unspoken but mutual desire. (Fuegian language of Tierra del Fuego)

Onsra (uhns-rah) n. – A bittersweet feeling that occurs in those who know their love won’t last. (Boro language of India)

Koi No Yokan (koy-noh-yo-kin) n. – Upon meeting someone, a feeling that the two of you may soon fall in love. (Japanese)

Retrouvailles (rhoo-trooh-vahy) n. – The joy of reuniting with someone after a long separation. Literally “rediscovery.” (French)

Tuqburni (tooq-bur-nah) n. – A love so deep, you can’t imagine life without your partner. The English translation is “you bury me.” (Arabic)

Saudade (saw-’dah-djee) n. – A strong feeling of missing someone you love. (Portuguese)

Hiatus Over


Wow. People are still actually following this thing after months of inactivity. Not sure if I should feel sad or relieved about that. Also, I like to check the search history that leads to my blog and laughed my ass off at the search term “vile”. Just the one word let some poor soul here.

Short version of why I haven’t blogged: My step boys came at the end of May and recently returned home. Five children in one household does not make for a lot of blogging time. It does, however, make for a lot of blogging material.

A lot has happened lately and I can’t wait to spew out all this nonsense to anybody that will listen. Most of it probably isn’t nice. Which is why it’s perfect for the internet. My bitchiness has found it’s niche. Thank you all for that.

Will post more after the minions are in bed…